Love to the fangirls

I've never been casual about an interest before, I'm a fangirl through & through. It started with Hannah Montana in elementary school, I had a Hannah Montana notebook/stationary set for school, Hannah Montana games, Hannah Montana lunch box, Hannah Montana everything, I just loved her. Of course I have to mention the MileyWorld fan club, I never got a membership but I wanted one soooo bad! Then it was One Direction, this was the most fangirl I have ever been, they consumed my life. I was genuinely obsessed, I woke up early for their album drops, wrote fanfic, ran a fan account, went to bat in fandom wars, followed every update religiously, re watched their performances over & over, had their posters all over my room, would put on the Up all Night tour DVD & turn out all the lights to pretend like I was at their concert (this occurred multiple times), had copious amounts of merch, they were the only artists I'd listen to (besides Little Mix, Ed Sheeran, 5SOS, & Cher Lloyd - but lets be honest, all the Directioners listened to these artists, it was almost like if you were a Directioner you were a fan of them too by default), they were on my mind for 99% of every day. This era was such a fun one because I was at just the right age where I could love them so deeply & be so consumed with them without the realization that they're random men I don't know lol. I believe you can be a fangirl at any age but there's a sweet spot where you're deeply delusional & it's kinda fun lol. Then it was Superwholock (another peak fandom!), then it was PTV & ADTR & SWS & all the other bands we were obsessed with in the peak Warped Tour era (back when a ticket was $50, not an arm & a leg), then a bunch of smaller/kinda inactive fandoms like ATLA (before covid when it really blew up), then Arcane, then I discovered Kpop & it was Enhypen, New Jeans, Twice, BTS, & Stray Kids. I must say the Kpop Stans are probably the closest to how Directioners were/what that culture was like but they're more problematic. A discussion on kpop Stans is one for another time, as one I have a lot of thoughts!

 That's besides the point, the point is I (as well as all the other fangirls) have always loved deeply & loudly! I'm not gonna lie I'm getting choked up thinking about Directioners & what it felt like being one, it was so special & I feel so bad for the people born without the fangirl gene! Let me get back on topic here instead of writing an essay about 1D & how bad I miss them & how impactful they were on millions of little girls lives. 

I just love fangirls! They're so loving, devoted, passionate, free, & unashamed about the things that bring them joy! I hate how they're shamed, I hate how we look at young women screaming & crying over artists & think "wow they're crazy!" instead of thinking "wow how much love they have, how much appreciation they have for this person's talents, how deeply they can feel & connect with this art that they're brought to such raw emotion, how beautiful that they're experiencing such vulnerability together, how full of love they are!" And this isn't a new thing, throughout decades people have come together to experience this love together & they find community in it & people have painted them to be crazy or hysterical! My aunt loves Prince & my mom loves Michael Jackson just like I love One Direction! Just today I saw a Michael edit on my fyp & thought "wow, if they had edits in mom's day I just know she'd have a whole folder dedicated to Michael's" & it made me kinda sad that they didn't get to experience this. And I'm not trying to be sexist but I think you see more girls than boys in these spaces because it's a testament to the way women love; loyally, boldly, all in, & without regard for what other people might think!Just so beautiful!

Through a mutual deep love for an artist we're able to connect positively & what's so wrong with that? What's the difference between wearing an athlete's jersey & wearing a t-shirt with an artist's face/name on it? What's the difference between collecting baseball cards & collecting photo cards? What's the difference between joyfully screaming when your team scores & joyfully screaming over hearing & seeing your favorite artist? 

My niece recently got into kpop & her mom makes fun of her for it a little bit but I love seeing her do the choreography & hear her talk about her favorite groups! I love being able to bond with her over that! I know when I was younger being a fangirl was not cool, liking One Direction was not cool, but I hope that as time goes on the people on the outside of these spaces can have a little more appreciation for them. Cause let me tell you, these fangirls are full of joy & are super cool! It's not mania or hysteria, it's love & devotion. And can that get a little parasocial? Sure, but not all fangirls are parasocial & I would go as far as saying most are not. In these spaces we made lifelong friendships, we discovered a love of writing or photography or reading, we uplifted one another, I genuinely think being a fangirl is such a healthy & lovely thing, argue with a wall!

I'm pushing 30!!!! (And I don't mind, I love it)

Happy Birthday to me! I'm 27 today & so grateful that God has blessed me with another year!

Every now & then I get kinda sad about getting older but not because I'm not young anymore or because I'm starting to gray (my mom started graying in high school & I also did but I have waayyyy more now lol), it's more of a bittersweet sadness. It's knowing that this life goes by so quickly, I feel like I was just 18 & sneaking out of my parent's house (yes I was sneaking out as an "adult", I have/had very strict parents lol, I didn't get any freedom until I moved out of their house) but now I'm 27, living all the way across the country, I can go anywhere I want & do anything I want. It's weird. It's knowing that my sister & I will probably never live in the same house together again, it's knowing my parents are getting older & one day I won't have them, it's knowing that I have to start thinking about a more serious career path, it's knowing one day I'll have to cook my own Thanksgiving dinner, it's looking back at how much things can change (even in just a few years). 

But, there's also so much sweetness in nearing your 30s. People online like to say "pushing 30" like it's something derogatory but it's not! 

In my late 20s I learned that no one has it together, even my more "put together" friends are just doing their best! I learned not to wallow in self pity, life is truly so beautiful & full of blessings, why should we sit here and be sad about our misfortunes when God has always pulled through? I've learned that it's okay not to know things, in a world where everyone shouts into the void & pretends to be an expert on everything be vulnerable enough to admit you don't know certain things, change your opinion, be genuinely open to learning & listening to people talk who think differently from you, don't lock yourself in an echo chamber!I've learned that the cure for everything, the way you get through this life is with Christ & nothing can compare to Him! No amount of any vice will bring you the comfort that Jesus does! He's walked me through grief, insecurity, addiction, He's delivered me from suicidal thoughts & depression & self harm. I've been through things I thought would have broken me just a few years ago but with Jesus in my life now, the suffering is bearable, I don't have to do it alone. Jesus really is the answer! I've learned that friendship comes at a price, give your friends grace! As women I think we struggle with this, when your friends hurt your feelings or offend you remember they're people too! We're all capable of being a little insensitive or accidentally hurting one another & grace is a beautiful gift! I've learned to hold my tongue, I've always been someone who comes out super hot when I'm upset but this is a mistake. Let yourself sit with your emotions for a day or 2 before spewing them onto people, don't say things in the heat of the moment! I've learned that contrary to what the internet says, my life is just beginning!My fellow late 20 year olds, enjoy this time! We're at a weird in between point, not quite a kid & not quite a qualified adult. Dance, laugh, learn to love yourself, chase God with everything you've got & keep running back to Him, try new things, be cringe & free!!! And remember, if you're hanging on by a thread let it be the hem of His garment!

Low self esteem is lame!!!

 And if I said low self esteem & comparing yourself to other people is lame, then what?

I'm going to be extremely vulnerable here, ever since my childhood I have struggled with low self esteem, I hated myself literally for as long as I can remember & as I got older it stuck around. I could sit here & talk about how my earliest memories are family members making fun of me for having a unibrow, my peers making fun of me for my puffy hair & hairy arms in the elementary school hallways, I could talk about how boys would point at me in middle school & loudly say to their friend "YOU LIKE HER" before letting out a wild laugh, I could talk about going into the following list of my first real boyfriend & seeing it just be a catalog of skinny, blonde, white women (skinny, blonde, white women, you are so so so beautiful!!! This was just a hard moment for me because I am in fact, a very Indian looking Guyanese girl).  I could rehash all these moments but they don't really matter. People can be cruel, we can be cruel, & we are so judgmental towards others but even more so to ourselves. I can't tell you all the nasty things I have said to myself, I am my biggest bully. 

I've struggled with self esteem & comparing myself to other people for a while now & it's just silly! There's no need to compare when there's beauty in everyone! People come in all shapes, sizes, & colors, we're all different but all beautiful in our own ways! God intentionally made us, who are we to sit here & talk badly about His creation? He made stars, deep blue oceans, thriving rainforests, sunsets, flowers, galaxies, snowflakes, everything we look at in awe, He made & then when He made you He decided that you're even better than all those things. You're worth more than all those things! God crafted you by hand, He held you & made all your features. Remember that before you start to compare yourself to other people, you are both made by the King of Kings & He loves you so much that He went to the cross for you! 

Low self esteem is so lame, why are we doing it?! It's not the truth, it gives bully & mean, most of the things we tell ourselves we would never say to other people because it's simply disgusting! 

Psalm 139:14  "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."