The Walking Dead is soooooooooooo sad

I know I'm over a decade late to the party but I'm finally watching TWD & it's so much sadder than I thought it would be. I know literally nothing about this show, I don't know how I managed to avoid spoilers & everything unintentionally but somehow I have. I thought it was gonna be more scary & spooky but here I am crying over a little boy seeing his mom as a walker & a horse being eaten.  I started watching this mainly because I wanted to see Jon Bernthal in something without being super sad (the Punisher I think would make me super sad) so I put this on but I'M STILL SO SAD BUT NOW I'M INVESTED IN THE STORY SO I DON'T WANNA STOP WATCHING. Ya know before I put this on I was like "maybe it'll make me sad, maybe I should save this for another time" & I almost put on Zombieland since it's leaving Netflix soon. 

I sprinkled my dog's ashes on the first day of my period

 

My handsome boy!!!

I know a lot of women don't like the stereotype that a period makes you more emotional, but mine genuinely does! A few weekends ago I was playing It takes Two with my boyfriend & violently sobbed over a stuffed elephant, throwing that cute little stuffed elephant to the ground was not a first day of my period type of activity. Similarly, spreading Milo's ashes was not a first day of my period activity. I did not sob violently, but oh boy the tears were there and my heart was HURTING. 

This boy has my heart, he was my first dog & he showed me how much love I'm capable of. He loved cuddling, he was such a little snuggle bug! He was a rescue & was abused before we got him & he didn't know what cuddling was. Those first few weeks with him I would hold him close & kiss him on the head (sometimes he would try to squirm away & since I was incredibly ignorant about dogs I would hold him there instead of letting him go) & after a little while I wouldn't have to call him to me to be cuddled, he would come right to my lap & lay down. Once he discovered that cuddles & being held & kissed was a good thing he came to love it! He loved kisses! Even on his last day he was bowing his head to be kissed. 

He loved sunbathing! My beautiful, handsome, perfect boy, he always looked so cute soaking up the sun. He had so much love to give. When I moved away from him & left him with my parents I was so worried that he would have no one to give his love to, they didn't hold him or kiss him or let him on the couches & that hurts me but I'm sure it hurts them too. I'm sure they've had to grapple with the regret of not loving him enough & in the way that he knew love (now with their other dog he's allowed to do all the things Milo was not - allowed on the couches & in the bed!), in the same way I grapple with not visiting more often & not spending enough time with him. Ya know, my parents were scared of giving him medications because they thought they'd get bit. Milo used to bite people when we first got him, he was so fearful. And of course he was, all he knew of people before us was the sting of a belt. But he never bit me. The first day I met him he was in a crate & my dad told me to be careful because he bites. But as I said before, I was so oblivious & ignorant on how to interact with animals & care for them so I stuck my whole upper body into the crate with him. I was so excited to meet him! My dad was doing work at a house in Pompano, FL & Milo's old owners (the ones who abused him) moved away & left Milo outside in the hot, Florida sun in a crate with no food or water. My dad went there to work every day & Milo growled at him but my dad made a routine of letting him out to pee & brought him food & water. My parents were both very anti-dog but no one was coming back for Milo so dad brought him home. He was so fearful but he let me scoop him right out of the crate and hold him close to me. He never bit me, he never scared me, they just didn't understand him. My sweet little boy was sweet to the very end. I don't know what else to write because my heart is just feeling heavy. 

It's just weird to think that a dog with so much personality can fit in a little engraved box & the paws that carried him through life are just gone, only a little print in clay. I've said so many times, I'll never get to know another dog like Milo he was just so special. He was clingy & loving & protective & goofy & just the perfect boy! I thank God that I got to know him & that I got to be with him in his final moments. 

I'm pushing 30!!!! (And I don't mind, I love it)

Happy Birthday to me! I'm 27 today & so grateful that God has blessed me with another year!

Every now & then I get kinda sad about getting older but not because I'm not young anymore or because I'm starting to gray (my mom started graying in high school & I also did but I have waayyyy more now lol), it's more of a bittersweet sadness. It's knowing that this life goes by so quickly, I feel like I was just 18 & sneaking out of my parent's house (yes I was sneaking out as an "adult", I have/had very strict parents lol, I didn't get any freedom until I moved out of their house) but now I'm 27, living all the way across the country, I can go anywhere I want & do anything I want. It's weird. It's knowing that my sister & I will probably never live in the same house together again, it's knowing my parents are getting older & one day I won't have them, it's knowing that I have to start thinking about a more serious career path, it's knowing one day I'll have to cook my own Thanksgiving dinner, it's looking back at how much things can change (even in just a few years). 

But, there's also so much sweetness in nearing your 30s. People online like to say "pushing 30" like it's something derogatory but it's not! 

In my late 20s I learned that no one has it together, even my more "put together" friends are just doing their best! I learned not to wallow in self pity, life is truly so beautiful & full of blessings, why should we sit here and be sad about our misfortunes when God has always pulled through? I've learned that it's okay not to know things, in a world where everyone shouts into the void & pretends to be an expert on everything be vulnerable enough to admit you don't know certain things, change your opinion, be genuinely open to learning & listening to people talk who think differently from you, don't lock yourself in an echo chamber!I've learned that the cure for everything, the way you get through this life is with Christ & nothing can compare to Him! No amount of any vice will bring you the comfort that Jesus does! He's walked me through grief, insecurity, addiction, He's delivered me from suicidal thoughts & depression & self harm. I've been through things I thought would have broken me just a few years ago but with Jesus in my life now, the suffering is bearable, I don't have to do it alone. Jesus really is the answer! I've learned that friendship comes at a price, give your friends grace! As women I think we struggle with this, when your friends hurt your feelings or offend you remember they're people too! We're all capable of being a little insensitive or accidentally hurting one another & grace is a beautiful gift! I've learned to hold my tongue, I've always been someone who comes out super hot when I'm upset but this is a mistake. Let yourself sit with your emotions for a day or 2 before spewing them onto people, don't say things in the heat of the moment! I've learned that contrary to what the internet says, my life is just beginning!My fellow late 20 year olds, enjoy this time! We're at a weird in between point, not quite a kid & not quite a qualified adult. Dance, laugh, learn to love yourself, chase God with everything you've got & keep running back to Him, try new things, be cringe & free!!! And remember, if you're hanging on by a thread let it be the hem of His garment!

Lazy-ish Days Diary / Yap

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Happy Sunday cozy peeps! I am so tired & feeling like I'm getting a little cold, but this weekend was nice & lazy-ish. I say lazy-ish because a true lazy day for me is spent doing absolutely nothing, literally sitting on the couch, watching TV, & playing video games all day. Saturday did start out super chill & to be vulnerable here, kinda miserable. I woke up with a horrible headache & irritated. I know why I was so upset but it was nothing that spending time in God's presence couldn't fix! I bible studied, prayed, cried, & cuddled with my dog, all (except for the crying part) a recipe for a great morning! 

The verse of the day on Saturday in the Bible app was Isaiah 40:31, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I'm in a place right now where I'm just feeling unsure & weak, this verse was so grounding for me (as God's word always is). In seasons of waiting or uncertainty we can place our hope in the Lord & while we may still struggle with feelings of uncertainty & fear we can know that God is faithful, He's always good, He establishes our steps, He's always working for His glory & for our best (even when we can't see it), & His promises are true! We can cling to these facts through hard times & we don't have to feel bad when we feel things like fear or anxiety, God sees those feelings & is here for us. Nothing is too much for Him, you're not too much for Him! 

Of course with a morning Bible study over the weekend you need a good coffee! I made a cookie butter latte using the Illy classic espresso & Chobani cookie butter creamer, so so so yuuummmyyyy! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ After a walk with my sweet puppy, my even sweeter boyfriend handled breakfast! First up was the Whole Foods cranberry walnut bread with Kerrygold salted butter. This was our first time trying it & it was super delicious⭐⭐⭐⭐, it reminded me of the Pepperidge Farm Cinnamon Swirl bread before it was recession-ified (it used to have way more raisins in it). My parents used to buy that bread as a treat, it was an every once in a while thing & always felt so special when we got it. Then some tater tots while I played pokopia ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ My boyfriend has been really into an egg with tater tots & it really hits the spot! 

Then to just get out of the apartment a bit we went shopping. The original plan was to pop into Michael's to buy frames for some prints we bought at an art fair a year or so ago & maybe supplies for punch needling. As you can guess, we got very distracted. This was also our first time taking our puppy out in a stroller, I usually just hold her & that shortens our trips in stores because she is a little bit heavy. 12 lbs starts to feel heavier the more & more you walk. We ended up perusing the halloween decorations, popping over to Old Navy to browse, & then stopping in at Target (we went in for chocolate chips & ended up spending over $200). My most joy inducing purchases are down below.

All in all, a warm weekend! Today (Sunday) I'm going to make some taco soup & just chill. Potential cold aside, I am just yearning for fall & a warm soup fits that vibe! Maybe we'll even pop on a Halloween movie! 

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