Love to the fangirls

I've never been casual about an interest before, I'm a fangirl through & through. It started with Hannah Montana in elementary school, I had a Hannah Montana notebook/stationary set for school, Hannah Montana games, Hannah Montana lunch box, Hannah Montana everything, I just loved her. Of course I have to mention the MileyWorld fan club, I never got a membership but I wanted one soooo bad! Then it was One Direction, this was the most fangirl I have ever been, they consumed my life. I was genuinely obsessed, I woke up early for their album drops, wrote fanfic, ran a fan account, went to bat in fandom wars, followed every update religiously, re watched their performances over & over, had their posters all over my room, would put on the Up all Night tour DVD & turn out all the lights to pretend like I was at their concert (this occurred multiple times), had copious amounts of merch, they were the only artists I'd listen to (besides Little Mix, Ed Sheeran, 5SOS, & Cher Lloyd - but lets be honest, all the Directioners listened to these artists, it was almost like if you were a Directioner you were a fan of them too by default), they were on my mind for 99% of every day. This era was such a fun one because I was at just the right age where I could love them so deeply & be so consumed with them without the realization that they're random men I don't know lol. I believe you can be a fangirl at any age but there's a sweet spot where you're deeply delusional & it's kinda fun lol. Then it was Superwholock (another peak fandom!), then it was PTV & ADTR & SWS & all the other bands we were obsessed with in the peak Warped Tour era (back when a ticket was $50, not an arm & a leg), then a bunch of smaller/kinda inactive fandoms like ATLA (before covid when it really blew up), then Arcane, then I discovered Kpop & it was Enhypen, New Jeans, Twice, BTS, & Stray Kids. I must say the Kpop Stans are probably the closest to how Directioners were/what that culture was like but they're more problematic. A discussion on kpop Stans is one for another time, as one I have a lot of thoughts!

 That's besides the point, the point is I (as well as all the other fangirls) have always loved deeply & loudly! I'm not gonna lie I'm getting choked up thinking about Directioners & what it felt like being one, it was so special & I feel so bad for the people born without the fangirl gene! Let me get back on topic here instead of writing an essay about 1D & how bad I miss them & how impactful they were on millions of little girls lives. 

I just love fangirls! They're so loving, devoted, passionate, free, & unashamed about the things that bring them joy! I hate how they're shamed, I hate how we look at young women screaming & crying over artists & think "wow they're crazy!" instead of thinking "wow how much love they have, how much appreciation they have for this person's talents, how deeply they can feel & connect with this art that they're brought to such raw emotion, how beautiful that they're experiencing such vulnerability together, how full of love they are!" And this isn't a new thing, throughout decades people have come together to experience this love together & they find community in it & people have painted them to be crazy or hysterical! My aunt loves Prince & my mom loves Michael Jackson just like I love One Direction! Just today I saw a Michael edit on my fyp & thought "wow, if they had edits in mom's day I just know she'd have a whole folder dedicated to Michael's" & it made me kinda sad that they didn't get to experience this. And I'm not trying to be sexist but I think you see more girls than boys in these spaces because it's a testament to the way women love; loyally, boldly, all in, & without regard for what other people might think!Just so beautiful!

Through a mutual deep love for an artist we're able to connect positively & what's so wrong with that? What's the difference between wearing an athlete's jersey & wearing a t-shirt with an artist's face/name on it? What's the difference between collecting baseball cards & collecting photo cards? What's the difference between joyfully screaming when your team scores & joyfully screaming over hearing & seeing your favorite artist? 

My niece recently got into kpop & her mom makes fun of her for it a little bit but I love seeing her do the choreography & hear her talk about her favorite groups! I love being able to bond with her over that! I know when I was younger being a fangirl was not cool, liking One Direction was not cool, but I hope that as time goes on the people on the outside of these spaces can have a little more appreciation for them. Cause let me tell you, these fangirls are full of joy & are super cool! It's not mania or hysteria, it's love & devotion. And can that get a little parasocial? Sure, but not all fangirls are parasocial & I would go as far as saying most are not. In these spaces we made lifelong friendships, we discovered a love of writing or photography or reading, we uplifted one another, I genuinely think being a fangirl is such a healthy & lovely thing, argue with a wall!

The Walking Dead is soooooooooooo sad

I know I'm over a decade late to the party but I'm finally watching TWD & it's so much sadder than I thought it would be. I know literally nothing about this show, I don't know how I managed to avoid spoilers & everything unintentionally but somehow I have. I thought it was gonna be more scary & spooky but here I am crying over a little boy seeing his mom as a walker & a horse being eaten.  I started watching this mainly because I wanted to see Jon Bernthal in something without being super sad (the Punisher I think would make me super sad) so I put this on but I'M STILL SO SAD BUT NOW I'M INVESTED IN THE STORY SO I DON'T WANNA STOP WATCHING. Ya know before I put this on I was like "maybe it'll make me sad, maybe I should save this for another time" & I almost put on Zombieland since it's leaving Netflix soon. 

I sprinkled my dog's ashes on the first day of my period

 

My handsome boy!!!

I know a lot of women don't like the stereotype that a period makes you more emotional, but mine genuinely does! A few weekends ago I was playing It takes Two with my boyfriend & violently sobbed over a stuffed elephant, throwing that cute little stuffed elephant to the ground was not a first day of my period type of activity. Similarly, spreading Milo's ashes was not a first day of my period activity. I did not sob violently, but oh boy the tears were there and my heart was HURTING. 

This boy has my heart, he was my first dog & he showed me how much love I'm capable of. He loved cuddling, he was such a little snuggle bug! He was a rescue & was abused before we got him & he didn't know what cuddling was. Those first few weeks with him I would hold him close & kiss him on the head (sometimes he would try to squirm away & since I was incredibly ignorant about dogs I would hold him there instead of letting him go) & after a little while I wouldn't have to call him to me to be cuddled, he would come right to my lap & lay down. Once he discovered that cuddles & being held & kissed was a good thing he came to love it! He loved kisses! Even on his last day he was bowing his head to be kissed. 

He loved sunbathing! My beautiful, handsome, perfect boy, he always looked so cute soaking up the sun. He had so much love to give. When I moved away from him & left him with my parents I was so worried that he would have no one to give his love to, they didn't hold him or kiss him or let him on the couches & that hurts me but I'm sure it hurts them too. I'm sure they've had to grapple with the regret of not loving him enough & in the way that he knew love (now with their other dog he's allowed to do all the things Milo was not - allowed on the couches & in the bed!), in the same way I grapple with not visiting more often & not spending enough time with him. Ya know, my parents were scared of giving him medications because they thought they'd get bit. Milo used to bite people when we first got him, he was so fearful. And of course he was, all he knew of people before us was the sting of a belt. But he never bit me. The first day I met him he was in a crate & my dad told me to be careful because he bites. But as I said before, I was so oblivious & ignorant on how to interact with animals & care for them so I stuck my whole upper body into the crate with him. I was so excited to meet him! My dad was doing work at a house in Pompano, FL & Milo's old owners (the ones who abused him) moved away & left Milo outside in the hot, Florida sun in a crate with no food or water. My dad went there to work every day & Milo growled at him but my dad made a routine of letting him out to pee & brought him food & water. My parents were both very anti-dog but no one was coming back for Milo so dad brought him home. He was so fearful but he let me scoop him right out of the crate and hold him close to me. He never bit me, he never scared me, they just didn't understand him. My sweet little boy was sweet to the very end. I don't know what else to write because my heart is just feeling heavy. 

It's just weird to think that a dog with so much personality can fit in a little engraved box & the paws that carried him through life are just gone, only a little print in clay. I've said so many times, I'll never get to know another dog like Milo he was just so special. He was clingy & loving & protective & goofy & just the perfect boy! I thank God that I got to know him & that I got to be with him in his final moments. 

I'm pushing 30!!!! (And I don't mind, I love it)

Happy Birthday to me! I'm 27 today & so grateful that God has blessed me with another year!

Every now & then I get kinda sad about getting older but not because I'm not young anymore or because I'm starting to gray (my mom started graying in high school & I also did but I have waayyyy more now lol), it's more of a bittersweet sadness. It's knowing that this life goes by so quickly, I feel like I was just 18 & sneaking out of my parent's house (yes I was sneaking out as an "adult", I have/had very strict parents lol, I didn't get any freedom until I moved out of their house) but now I'm 27, living all the way across the country, I can go anywhere I want & do anything I want. It's weird. It's knowing that my sister & I will probably never live in the same house together again, it's knowing my parents are getting older & one day I won't have them, it's knowing that I have to start thinking about a more serious career path, it's knowing one day I'll have to cook my own Thanksgiving dinner, it's looking back at how much things can change (even in just a few years). 

But, there's also so much sweetness in nearing your 30s. People online like to say "pushing 30" like it's something derogatory but it's not! 

In my late 20s I learned that no one has it together, even my more "put together" friends are just doing their best! I learned not to wallow in self pity, life is truly so beautiful & full of blessings, why should we sit here and be sad about our misfortunes when God has always pulled through? I've learned that it's okay not to know things, in a world where everyone shouts into the void & pretends to be an expert on everything be vulnerable enough to admit you don't know certain things, change your opinion, be genuinely open to learning & listening to people talk who think differently from you, don't lock yourself in an echo chamber!I've learned that the cure for everything, the way you get through this life is with Christ & nothing can compare to Him! No amount of any vice will bring you the comfort that Jesus does! He's walked me through grief, insecurity, addiction, He's delivered me from suicidal thoughts & depression & self harm. I've been through things I thought would have broken me just a few years ago but with Jesus in my life now, the suffering is bearable, I don't have to do it alone. Jesus really is the answer! I've learned that friendship comes at a price, give your friends grace! As women I think we struggle with this, when your friends hurt your feelings or offend you remember they're people too! We're all capable of being a little insensitive or accidentally hurting one another & grace is a beautiful gift! I've learned to hold my tongue, I've always been someone who comes out super hot when I'm upset but this is a mistake. Let yourself sit with your emotions for a day or 2 before spewing them onto people, don't say things in the heat of the moment! I've learned that contrary to what the internet says, my life is just beginning!My fellow late 20 year olds, enjoy this time! We're at a weird in between point, not quite a kid & not quite a qualified adult. Dance, laugh, learn to love yourself, chase God with everything you've got & keep running back to Him, try new things, be cringe & free!!! And remember, if you're hanging on by a thread let it be the hem of His garment!

What I bought at the Korean Grocery Store 

I'm trying my best to save money but I'm going to Florida to see my parents for my birthday & I had to run to the Korean grocery store to pick up some toner pads I'm running out of. They don't carry these at Ulta or Target & my parents live in the middle of nowhere so it was important I got around to grabbing them this past weekend. Of course while there I had to pick up some other goodies!

The Toner Pads are the Round Lab Pine Calming Cica Pads - these are a newer addition to my routine & I usually hold off on trying too many new products as a sensitive skin girly but I love these! I use them in the morning & I've noticed my skin is a lot smoother & softer! 

There are 2 drink pouches in my picture & of course, we bought an ice cup & an additional drink pouch for the drive home! The Cafe Real Shine Muscat Ade is our absolute favorite! I saw Jake have a muscat drink in an En-O'Clock episode (I love Jake what can I say, shout out Engenes!!!) so the first time we were at this store & I saw their selection of drinks I had to try that one. Both me & my boyfriend love it & every time I'm at this store I make sure to pick up an extra one for him to enjoy if he's not with me. He picked up a melon ade as well in the spirit of trying something new. 

The Hi-Chew Fantasy mix is another one of my boyfriend's picks & not gonna lie, these are soooooo yummy. Also in the spirit of trying new things, I picked up the Carbonara Turtle Chips (I usually just get the choco churro flavor) & these Loopy Tteokbokki shaped chips in the rose flavor. 

Lastly for the tried & true snacks, I picked up a white cookie pepero (the one with Bangchan ofc since he's my bias), Jagabee fries, Buldak Carbonara tteokbokki, & songpyeon. We did also pop in to the kpop store right across the street but I was feeling sick so we had to come home asap. All in all, successful trip! 

Is it pumpkin spice time yet?

Surprise, surprise I'm once again thinking about fall! 

I'm going back home to Florida next week & I'll be returning home up north right at the end of August, which is perfect because my last 2 weeks of Summer will be in the most summer-y place (SO SO SO EXCITED TO GO & EAT BARBECUE & SIT ON MY PARENT'S SCREENED IN PATIO!!!) & then I'll be home right in time for fall. I know it doesn't technically start until the end of September but in my calendar, halloween & fall starts immediately after my birthday (August 20th). So September 1st is the start of fall, argue with a wall. 

To get into the fall mood I have a few things I'm hoping to do before heading down South. My boyfriend & I always have a huge list of movies to watch & activities to do around halloween time & most of the time we never get through all the things so I like to stretch fall activities as far as I can. 

(I went to B&N last weekend with my boyfriend & only bought one book because I'm trying to save money but I had my eye on these because I just wanna get into fall already! I joked that we could go back this weekend & get an early birthday present - which my boyfriend did agree to but he also pointed out a few months ago I asked for a switch 2 for an early birthday present which he also bought me. Lesson learned, I am horrible at the whole early gift thing lol) 

YA books I'm going to get this weekend: 

I'm also going to attempt a themed movie night or 2, I'm thinking Coraline because I saw someone on TikTok make button shaped cookies (do you think that would work fine as chocolate chip cookies cut out in the shape of buttons rather than the colored sugar cookies?). Then I'm going to try to update my fall TBR & movie/show queue. What are you doing in preparation for possibly the coziest season?

It's soup season & I loovveeee miso soup!

I am not feeling well at all today, I had no clue what to eat for lunch but then I remembered I have almost all the ingredients for miso soup!!! Plus it's officially fall (to me) & this is the perfect time for soups! Do you remember the first time you had miso soup & really loved it? (not all miso soups are created equal, trust me!) I do, it was from China Sky in Loxahatchee, FL. I still think about this little restaurant. Loxahatchee is a big city now but when I first moved there with my family this was 1 of only 2 or 3 restaurants in town. Anyways, I recently got miso soup from a restaurant & it was so painfully mid, I don't know how you mess up a soup this simple (it's got like 4 ingredients!) but somehow they did. This led me to learning how to make it & it's way easier than you think!

It's actually so easy to make & I highly, highly recommend giving it a try! Also, if you're a sensitive tummy girly like me this is such a good meal for when you're dealing with those troubles. It's full of probiotics & it's great for gut health!

Here's how to make it 

1. Add 4 cups of water & 2 tsp of dashi to a pot, bring to a boil
2. If you're doing wontons instead of the tofu now is the time to toss them in, reduce heat to a gentle simmer 
3. Through a strainer, stir in 3 tbsp of miso paste, I like to rest it right on top of the pot so it's dipped a little bit into my broth & stir in the paste. The strainer catches any graininess so you don't have that in your broth - side note: don't boil your miso paste! When you boil it, you lose some of the nutritional value. 
4. Add in your cubed tofu (I like using silken tofu) & wakame (be careful with how much you add, the first time I made this I added waaayyyy too much. I do about 1 tbsp of it now)
5. Top with scallions
   
6. Pop on a comfort show, pray over your meal, enjoy!